The day

There are no hole in his shoes, but a big hole in his world..

 When I wake up, I wonder, I wait. To believe the fact that you are not standing beside me, but separated by a-thousand mile land mass you stand. Then I push myself to the shower, freezing due to the morning weather. Eat my breakfast in which I rarely eaten, accompanied by the brewing coffee. I open the door, just to see the beautiful world light up by the sun like a candle lighten up in a pitch dark room.

Sunshine and city lights.. 

They.. Were also lighten up. Those who are faceless, and heartless. I heed what you said back in our days, and took the risk facing them. I walk down the streaming river, listening to chatters of happy and rough times. I plugged my ears with music in which varying the mood, swinging it and causing a mood disorder. Alone I walk, to deny any memories with whom I walk at the shady path but keeping you close to my mind. Reaching my destination, I inhale a deep breath and exhale it all knowing that my day is just beginning.

 I know it ain't easy,
giving up your heart.. 

I conjure images of us from the last few months, images of rough and sad moments. It disturbs me, waking me from the past to the present.. Reality. I listen to the lectures, full with anxiety despite having the rough nights. Then, the day ends unnoticed. Exhausted, I walk.. Heart is beating fast and become faster knowing that you unable to notify me your state of health in which you used to. It worries me deeply, it hurts me bitterly. I walk home, worrying that I may tumble down the stairs due to exhaustion. A bitter state.

Don't you remember..


I fold my Baju Melayu, as Isyak is finishing. Wondering if I should keep the buttons, or leave it on the shirt. Tidying up my desk I arrange the books, stacking them and still.. Exhausted. My mind is in chaos, it is all chaotic. I keep blaming myself, without even searching on who is to blame and have no intention to blame anyone but me. Text messages storm the night fill with words of encouragement and questions regarding my state of health as I grin wondering about my situation.

Nobody's perfect,
Trust me I earn it.. 


 I am weakening, each moment you cross my mind. I start to hate you, despite knowing I shouldn't but I did. Then I hate myself. I scream your name as the clock ticks, in which you did not notice. Midnight calls me, telling me to sleep. I drag myself to the bed, then I close my eyes only to realize that all of what have happen had to happen. Then I close my eyes with both my hands just to keep it close, dark, and quiet. For I am struggling with my world, my world, and the cruel reality world. After that, I feel peace, peace of a virtual death.. Alone, without you, without anyone.
I... I'm an idiot,
Why? How could I fell into the same hole twice...
Can I ever trust you? Trust me?
No... I know what to do...
Its not my fault...
You called it off, and I beg you to reconsider...
You still say no...
You blamed it on to me, just me...
No... I don't know what to do...
I can't stand this pain anymore...
I can't, just can't...
What I want is...
Just, the day...


Oh yes, the day. That day full of fun and joy, that I can never have... Because you took it away. Now... I'm taking it back.